The Billi Diaries were slightly delayed due to interruptions like the World’s Costliest and Loudest Music Festival and the World’s Costliest and Loudest Festival. More on those two later. For now let’s get back to the unbilliable mistake I made. There are terrible, terrible puns in store for you if you proceed further, you have been warned.

Life with Suzy wasn’t easy. She just wouldn’t listen! Before you start pointing out the obvious that cat’s don’t listen to blah blah blah….hold on, I was a dog person remember? The expenses for the cat didn’t end there. I had to go buy a bowl for food, a bowl for water, a tub for poop (cats shit a lot okay?), litter, toys, treats and the whole shebang. Cat 1 Che 0.

I was told Suzy is toilet trained. So I bought a big tub and poured a bag of litter in it. Then I sat and watched, waiting for magic to happen. And so did Suzy. Fhtagn! After few hours of staring at the litterbox she went and pooped on the bathroom floor. I had to flush it down the toilet. Cat 2 Che 0.

Food? There was no miscommunication when it came to food. Suzy was gobbling it down even before I was done pouring it out. Watching her eat reminded me of the night when my friend had brought back Tundey kebabs from my hometown. I don’t think it is even possible to measure the time in which those got wiped out.

And as for scratching she took fancy to my beautiful cane cupboards that today look like they survived a few years in Gaza. They also became her favourite place to climb and sit on top of to purvey her empire.

Suzy didn’t last long. No she didn’t die. Suzy’s colour reminded my ex of the shade of old silver ornaments that turn blackish. So Suzy became Silver. Or I tried to make Suzy Silver. But Silverization of Suzy was not exactly a success. And here is why.

For every time I would try to call Suzy Silver, my flatmate would call her Billi. Yep, he chose to call a cat a cat. Now which word vaguely rhymes with Suzy? Silver or Billi? There you go. Despite my best efforts Suzy chose Billi over Silver. But if you ask me her name is Silver and her pet name is Billi.

We bought fancy toys for Billi to play with. She showed about as much interest in them as I do in a pack of cigarettes. She found two things amusing, shoe laces and paper balls. The former meant it became a task to put shoes on every morning when going to work and taking them off when back. HOW DO YOU TIE OR UNTIE LACES WHEN THERE IS A CAT PLAYING WITH THEM!!!111!!!! Cat 3 Che 0.

As for paper balls, they were the source of one of the two serious identity crisis in her life. First one was that Billi thought she was a dog. I kid you not. She thought she was a dog. Except she isn’t. But she thought so any way. The moment we would enter home in the evening she would come running barking (okay fine meowing) towards us just like a puppy. If you threw a paper ball she would camper after it like a puppy. And….wait for it…..even fetch it like a fucking puppy! Yep she would run after the ball, knock it around a bit and then pick it up and bring it back to us and drop in next to our hands for the next round.

The second crisis in Billi’s life was much, much bigger. So big that it demands a blog post of its own. Seriously. It is the kind of stuff that India TV exists for. Totally mindblowing WTF stuff, trust me on that. Oh and the puns? That was just a bait. I will hit you with those when you expect them the least. Puntil then, be scared. Be very scared.