So this Friday we had an All Hands Meet at work. It basically means EVERYONE gathers in a place, right from the CEO to the who-are-you. Its like a kangaroo court. The names of the accused are read out. One by one the not-so-guilty is brought before the mob. And then the lynching begins.

Sounds horrific? It’s a tradition at P******m, a way to “welcome” the new employees popularly known as breaking-the-ice sessions. So in the evening it all started. We all received an email from the CEO that there was going to be an all hands meet. I had heard about it from Lil Nat before and it seemed quite funny at that time. But now that I knew I will be put through it, all of a sudden it wasn’t funny any more.

So we all trooped up at the announced time. One by one the name was announced by the HR guy and one by one, we stepped up to face the mob. It was not only new joinees but also people whose birthdays had just gone by and those who had completed another year here recently.

The execution was simple. This is what we had to do. Step up. Face the firing squad. Survive the questions thrown at you and run! For them it was like this. Catch the deer in headlight. Embarrass him/her with some questions. Get him/her to sing or dance or both. Laugh.

No one was spared, right from the Finance Head to the Interns who had joined the same day. Of course the most obvious question was name 5 cutest guys or 5 cutest girls at P******m. Gotta give them full marks for creativity. A lot of names were thrown up. Some were very obvious as people do look good, some were not so obvious but then being nice to the bosses never hurt anyone and some were outright shockers like me. Yes few women and one guy called me cute. Gah!

Let me enlighten you people. Cute is *NOT* a compliment. Hell not even for girls! In college, my best friend got mad at me for calling her cute. Why? “I don’t like it when guys call me cute. Cute is something you call your friend’s kid sister. It means that’s what guys think of me as. No more.” Go figure!

And as for it being a compliment for guys, do I really need to spell it out? A dog might be cute because you go all *awwww* and want to pet it. A kid might be cute because you go all *awwww* and want to pet it. But me? Wtf! If you want to pet me, trust me it doesn’t make me feel good about myself! I have said it before many times and I’ll say it once again, “I AM NOT A DOG DAMMIT!” No seriously, since when are terrorists cute? Not only am I slimmer than size zero models but also have the fresh-out-of-terrorist-camp look to boot. If you think that’s cute then my friend you really have some issues!

Any way my turn came and I was shocked at the reception my name received. They sounded way too eager to finish me off. What had I done to these people to deserve this? No answers, only questions. My “embarrassing” question was that I was asked to rate two girls. One was a TL and one was a BD. Lets call one Feeling and one Fragrance. And two Fs combined to put me in a situation where I was Fucked. Not literally stupid. If my situation could be described in a feeling or fragrance, it was any thing but nice. I was not supposed to give same rating to either of them and both of them threatened to kill me if I rated them less than the other one. WTF! Is there any justice in this world? If I had any doubt about existence of God, this took care of it. Now I am a reaffirmed atheist.

Any how it turned more embarrassing for F&F; as every one started giving suggestions and I was clearly enjoying it by now. Finally I ended up giving them 7.654 and 7.655 respectively. I thought I was done. But no, I was asked to break it down in to how much points for what! $#@#@%!#^. Any way being the suave and charming gentleman that I am, I gave pleasing enough answer to survive. Yay! I had won the battle.

Oh wait, they unleashed the war on me. Crap! They asked me to sing a song. Considering the office is built using a lot of glass, this was a very brave request! By then I just wanted to get the hell out of it. I croaked by way through A Hard Day’s Night with jumbled lyrics and tumbled tune and ran off.

To top it all off next day was the first Saturday of the month, which meant I had to come to work. First the movie ticket incident and now this all hands meet, I am not liking this week! Hoped it would get over without further incidents. But how could it? Saturday follows soon.